Understanding DV

Every so often and more often than I would like, I'm confronted by misunderstanding around Domestic Violence. By now, most of us understand that it's not just physical abuse but it can also be emotional and/or financial abuse. Any abuse is damaging because it is a result of a power imbalance.  Intimate partner abuse is so damaging because it is soul destroying for those who are living it.

For those in these relationships, the partner with the power controls the other and removes the power . Sometimes the other partner will push back and people will say "Oh, they give as good as they get". But what is actually going on?

An equal relationship allows the other to have freedom to choose, to live, to have choices and share mutual benefits. In an unequal relationship the partner with the power controls what is happening, who they meet up with, how they spend money, how much they have to spend. They will hide assets and mismanage money for their own ends.

Sometimes the partner with less power will push back against the control. This is sometimes seem as "giving as good as they get", yet the reason for it is not to control the other partner but to regain their right place. They are trying to restore equal partnership and equal power.

As you are sharing with people in these situations please be aware that the partner with power will always give a sanitised version trying to blaim the partner for what is actually their own inadequacy.

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