Marriage and DV

As a pastor, I often talk to people and coach people through situations that occur through marriage. I value marriage highly and believe that the covenant of marriage is a special relationship. 

As in all relationships, positive marriages grow when both partners are willing to grow in their personal lives and are willing to live and love in a way that honours their partner. 

When relationships struggle, I know that something needs to change. Not just one person, but both people need to address their own issues. We can coach couples through these situations and see really positive results and relationships based on equality and equal partnership where power is shared for the common purpose. . 

Having said that, I am completely aware that not all marriages have this equal partnership. At times, I see where one partner is abusive towards the other, exercises their power over others. When this happens in relationships where narcissistic behaviours are involved, it can be very difficult to see. 

The narcissist is very adept at diverting responsibility from themselves, and seeing the partner as the issue, regardless of how hard the partner has tried to make the marriage work, often giving in and taking on more and more responsibility themselves. 

This is clearly a form of coercive control and is often seen in households defined by DV. As with physical and emotional abuse, this kind of control is very damaging, not only to the victim, but to the entire family. 

A key factor seems to be that the victim, usually the woman, is not believed by others to be experiencing DV because their partner is particularly adept at hiding their behaviour in public, so their friends often do not see or experience this violence. 

Those who work with the women see the depth of damage that is done to their self esteem, their sense of self and their ability to function in this environment. It is unfortunate that many pastors, mostly male, do not understand the dynamics at play. Often this is because they never see or experience the behaviour. This brings me to say, just because we have not seen it, does not mean it is not happening. 

There are many things we do not see, yet believe. I want to encourage all pastors, regardless of denomination, regardless of belief around marriage, to listen to those who are the victims of this kind of emotional abuse and coercive control. 

Too many women are suffering, especially in churches, where they are taught to value marriage, where they have been taught or forced to believe a wrong understanding of submission (I will write on this another time) and where patriarchy is often the order of the day. 

I have heard horrendous stories of women being abused by partners who are leaders in their churches. These women are not believed, and the abuse is allowed to continue. This mindset has to change. Perpetrators of abuse must be called out for their behaviour. 

Even though I value marriage, I believe we must learn to value the safety of women over and above our value of marriage. There are some men perpetrating violence who will change and here are those who no matter what, will remain abusive because they do not admit they are the problem. 

Unfortunately, these men are able to hide in churches, appearing as your best mate, wonderful and kind, yet at home they are behaving like monsters, destroying trust, destroying hope and deeply damaging and scarring their partner and their children. Childre are often caught in a no win situation, victims of manipulative abuse without knowing it or understanding what is happening to them. 

My question to us all is why do we allow this to happen? Why does the safety of women get ignored, leaving them at risk of long term damage to their mental health and well being. Yes, abuse can be perpetrated by women towards men, (believe me, I've seen it happen). I acknowledge this and believe these men should also be heard. Ultimately however, it is still largely women who are the victims, women who are suffering, women who are dying. Women who are told they should remain in the marriage. 

Pastors, this is simply not good enough. We are called to love in a way that enables every person to live their best life possible, and this means we must learn to listen to women when they disclose abuse, believe them and ensure they are safe, even if this means they separate from their partner, or leave their partner. 

We must also learn to challenge abusive partners to live in a way that truly loves and honours their partner. If they will not do so, we cannot beat about the bush. We must label the behaviour as abuse and hold them 

accountable for their behaviour, and not deflect the blame to others. 

Pastors, we are responsible for how we handle these situations. Pastors are sometimes responsible for enabling abusive behaviour because they struggle to see the reality. I get it. It can be difficult to believe the abuse is happening, especially emotional and coercive abuse because it is not easily seen or detected in public because it largely happens when we are not around. But, we cannot allow this to be an excuse to not act. We can honour the women in our care by believing them, by acknowledging their pain and by ensuring they are safe. 

Our responsibility is to create a safe environment for all people, spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally. It is our responsibly to create an environment where women feel safe and feel that they will be believed and be able to come forward with their experiences.