It's been a while

It's been a while since I posted anything here. For those that know me, you will understand that the last year has been a difficult one mental health wise. 

It's not that I didn't want to write, rather that it's written elsewhere and maybe when I'm ready, I'll share some of it with you. Between excruciating and debilitating pain, well hidden when needed, and Covid and trying to juggle too many things I came to a complete standstill. 

It was like hitting a brick wall that no matter how hard I tried I simply couldn't push through. I was spent, able to put on a smiling face when needed, and the rest of the time struggling to hold myself together. 

I'm so thankful for the wonderful people around me who have supported me through this time because it's not easy when you don't understand what your loved one or friend is going through.

For those who have not experienced severe and ongoing pain, please understand that it is tiring to always live with pain. It affects both physical and mental strength. It is depressing to live day in and day out unable to do the simple things because of pain, and feeling guilty because you can't do them. 

I did actuality achieve some really positive things through this time like becoming a Spiritual life coach,  brushing up on other skills and completing my TAE. But the thing with burnout, which is what I recognise I have been dealing with, is that those achievements seem hollow compared to the debilitating emotional fallout that comes with this particular journey. Having hit the proverbial brickwall again, I knew I needed some serious time out to recover and to rethink. 

I'm now 3 months in to my 6 months leave without pay that I choose to take. In that time I've had a hip replacement and recovery (ongoing), moved away for a time from pastoral work and spent time nourishing my soul. This will continue as I reassess where I want to be next year. Can I say that not having to deal with excruciating pain each day has helped immensely. 

I'm not sure what the next years will look like. I am sure that I don't ever want to go back to what was. My faith looks very different now to what it did a number of years ago as I've been on an unlearning, deconstructing and reconstructing process. 

I want to honour Jesus with my life. I don't want to be caught in institutionalised Christianity. I want to live my life, doing justly, loving mercy and walking humbly with God. I have always tried to live intentionally. Now, that intention has a different direction, and a different focus from previous years.  

I want to live more fully, travel more and be free from the constraints of busyness and the need to put on a good face for the masses. I want to feel the sun on my face and the ocean on my skin, to smell the sea air, and revel in the freedom that is life to the full. I want to ride my bike, play my music, walk in new places and seek out new adventures. 

Simply put, I want to be; be all that I was born to be and created by God to be. 

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